Right Moon?

little bit crazy

Sleep works like this lately: I get very tired and pass out. Unfortunately, this mummified state is short-lived, and I've been waking up in the wee hours of the night. When this happens, I flip on the trusty book light and open the current bedside reading...I've been reading a few hours every night. That's fine, except:

Pregnancy Dreams are crazy. Crazy. On nights when I Don't read before bed, I've been regularly dreaming about machetes and madmen and other randomly distrubing "action" scenarios. But when I read before sleep, my Crazy Pregnant Dream Brain has been re-enacting the entire plot of what I've just read, replacing the characters of the book with characters from my real life. Earlier this week I got to watch a Dream-Version of Faulkner's As I Lay Dying (there was much hand-wringing when the coffin overturned in the water, let me tell you). And based on what I'm reading now, there are dreams with my loved ones playing the roles of siblings marrying siblings, and hermaphrodite children.

I was thinking that perhaps I should keep a pallette-cleanser by the bed, and read a few innoccuous pages before finally getting back to sleep. But really that might just lead to tripped out Dr. Seuss dreams, which might be the scariest of all.

gumballs

delight

A three+ hour lunch at a fine French restaurant, complete with complementary marshmallows(!) courtesy of the chef... Visiting with loved ones/best friends in an afternoon that ends with a plot summary of The Muppets Take Manhattan (how has Beej not seen this movie?)... Getting caught up, relaxing, talking about baby, having - if only for today - no cares in the world... The only thing that could have made it more lovely was a perfect martini.

why i did it

Surfing around aimlessly, impressed but slightly numbed by the usual blogs I visit, I recognize that I've gotten a little lost along the way. (Despite my personal dreams of grandeur and overwhelming celebrity) I did not start this blog for attention, and I never cared about being in the "in group". I didn't do it to inspire. I didn't do it to Make You Like Me. As a matter of fact, I promised myself to write regardless of whether or not you read it at all. I wanted to write every day, because I think I'm a fairly good writer, and without an organized forum I'll never do it and never get any better, and thusly never publish my (as yet unwritten) masterpiece. I promised I'd be true to myself, honest and open as possible. I wanted to write without worrying what You would think, and this has sometimes been difficult. I wanted to give you a picture of my life - the good, the bad, the boring - because goodness knows I seldom answer email, and talking on the phone is never my favorite time expenditure. I said I didn't care if it was pithy or funny or random or tedious, but of course I secretly wanted it to be good.

So what has happened? Well, I've done some of that, sometimes well and sometimes not so much. I've invited you into parts of my life, although I've held a lot back. I've made new friends. I've gained new skills (my photography interest, for example). I've written, sometimes daily.

But I forgot that it's okay to be mundane. I forgot that I started this to paint a picture of my everyday life. In wondering where my blog "fit in", I lost my focus, which was intended to be wide and varied and not really focused at all. I became self-conscious about the implications of writing one more morning sickness post. I stopped writing because I worried that you would be bored with my nothingness.

For a minute there, I lost myself. For better or worse, I think I've found myself again.

rambling return

File under: Calm. Quiet. Planning without action.

There's not much to share outside myself right now. I have so much to do, but in the absence of deadlines, fail to accomplish much of anything. The only real deadline right now feels like "Get everything done/ready/orderly before Bumble enters the world", but even that feels like hurryhurryhurry, now wait. I'm making lists, making plans, wondering how things will be different, how they will be the same, wondering how much control I will have over life. I'm enjoying these lazy days as if they were the last of their kind...an unspecified and decadent selfishness. At the same time, in the distance I can hear the walls starting to close in around me. Clutter is taking over my mind and my space, and if I don't reign it in, restore Order soon, the calm will be broken.

I've got to get to work, but I'm finding Focus to be an elusive partner.

a bear in his prime

Happy Birthday Today to my dear husband, friend, provider, soft place to cuddle, Baby-Daddy, and Chief Understander. The laughter, the music, the love, and the affection for B-level-television programming we share make me a stronger and happier person every day. May your 30's be filled with sweet surprises, baby kisses, showstopping dance moves, great fortunes, more love every day, and Lots More Cowbell.

true 'dat

Public Service Announcement, to be read by all bloggers ASAP:

more and more bloggers are finding themselves disillusioned, dissatisfied, taking long breaks, and in many cases simply closing up shop. this debilitating scourge ebbs and flows but there is hardly a blogger among us who has not felt it’s dark touch. we’re speaking, of course, about blog depression.

via the mommy blog

one small voice in the universe

If One More Person tells me that their morning sickness stopped "the minute the first trimester was over"...well, I might be sick. For the record, I have officially entered the fourth month, and I am Not. Feeling. Well. For better or worse, I suspect this isn't actually baby-sickness, but rather a bout of the Crohn's vying for abdominal attention. Tomorrow I see The Specialist, so while there may be no cure for what ails me, at least I'll know what the heck this Pain is all about... In the meantime, I'm avoiding food (vegetable soup was a regrettable error) and have turned instead to the aural sustenance of emotional musicals (tonight's menu: Ragtime, Seussical, Once on This Island) to really get the tears flowing.

gaa gaa goo goo, etc.

On Monday I had another doctor's appointment. People, have I told you that our baby has Arms! and Legs! and a big giant head that makes it look like Hello Kitty! And, oh yeah, a heartbeat!!! And the baby does somersaults and aerial backflips (although I can't feel them from the outside just yet)!

Today a kind soul sent us three very good books to be read to baby-in-utero, so Bear and I both settled in and practiced our Reading Out Loud voices for quite a while. "Bumble" (this is what we call the baby) was clearly enthusiastic, and will hopefully grow up to be as creative as Dr. Seuss, as clever as Shel Silverstein, and as talented as Maurice Sendak.

Not much other baby news, except that finding a comfortable sleeping position is an act I dread all day. (Well, that and the daily 2:00-5:00 p.m. window of The Queasy-Sickness.) Also, I'm so emotional that I cried for 20 minutes after tonight's episode of The Real World, and then again during Rock Star: INXS (in my defense, "The Man Who Sold the World" has always been tear-jerking for me). But if this is the worst it gets, everything looks like smooth sailing toward February 1.

[knock on wood]